Hate is too soft a term, I would say loath
by Appeltje Fruitschaal
Summary: There is a reason Sirius avoids the dungeons like the plage. There is a reason Sirius avoids Bellatrix like she spreads the plage, and there was a marriage that was not received very well by the fiancé. Well, at the end of the story, It only matters who had the most leverage. OneShot


_"What are you doing here?" Bellatrix asked, looking at the little boy in front of her in disgust. She stuck her arm out, blocking his way when he tried to slip past her. His black eyes found hers and the happy gleam in them died on the spot. She had that effect on Sirius, who was a happy boy by all accounts._

_"I… I…" He stammered, fear welling up in him. Bellatrix raised an eyebrow and stared at him, daring him to speak, until he cowered in her wake. "Yes?" She pressed, not looking away from him, enjoying watching him squirm. _

_She waited until it looked like he was about to speak, then she put a finger under his chin and forced him to look up, keeping the irritated and disgusted look on her face._

_"I thought…" He said in a small voice. His eyes flicked around the corridor but Bella knew there was no one there to help him. _

_"You never wanted to be in Slytherin in the first place, you little traitor." Bella hissed in his ear. "you don't deserve the dungeons. They're ours." _

_He squeezed his eyes shut and his bottom lip started to tremble in unconcealed fear. "You never made that a secret." She traced her nail along his cheek a little harsher than absolutely necessary, leaving a red scratch._

_He took a deep breath and wrenched his head away from her hand. "I wanted to speak to Andromache." He said. He puffed his chest out in a faint attempt to appear confident. He failing rather miserably. His voice quavered and his hands were trembling slightly. Bella couldn't stop the satisfied smile from coming to her lips. This, this right here was how it was supposed to be._

_"I never knew the dungeons were private property." A voice shouted. Bella whipped her head around and her hand twitched in irritating when she saw the Potter boy strut up to them. How dare he. She was so close to breaking Sirius. Watching him break down in tears was something she deserved after what he had put them through. The little traitor, thinking that he could be different. It was ridiculous. It was awful. It was arrogant. _

_Bella raised her chin and straitened her back, towering over the little nitwit of a Potter._

_"Traitor?" Bella called. She stared the Potter boy in the eyes, looking him down, wondering when he would break. Because he would break. _

_The Potter-boy's eyes flashed and his hands clenched themselves into first, but it was Sirius who answered. "Yes?" He asked. How she loved the broken sound in this tiny voice. This was what made up for all the hours he had wasted of her life. This living proof that this voice that might have been loud and great, would never reach the world, for she had muted it._

_"Get out of here, and I don't want to see your snob little nose poking around down here again, do you understand?" She didn't break eye contact with the Potter-boy. She didn't do anything to indicate she was talking to him, but from the tone in her voice, there was no doubting who she was talking to._

_Sirius nodded fervently and pulled the sleeve of the Potter boy's robes. he whispered something, too quietly for Bellatrix to hear. _

_"Let's go James." Sirius whispered again, but Potter-boy shook his head and wrenched his arm free. He was still defiantly looking back into Bellatrix eyes, refusing to be scared off by her. An amusing irritation settled over her. So this boy and all of his suborn confidence wanted to play the game of intimidation. _

_She took up his challenge. She wasn't going to stop him. His mother should have taught him not to get himself into things that weren't good for him, and boys who play with fire get burnt._

_"_James_." Sirius hissed more insistently Bellatrix eyes' flicked away from the potter boy and latched themself on Sirius. He shrank back immediately, stumbling in his haste to get as much distance between him and her._

_"Didn't you hear me just now or are you just stupid?" She asked, the ice in her voice cooling the room. "Get lost."_

_Sirius didn't need more than that and scrambled away as quickly as he could, leaving his friend behind in his fear._

_The potter boy followed soon after, walking awkwardly and with more trouble than Sirius had. Bellatrix liked to think that she had taught him something that day that was more worth than her own victory over the little stubborn fool. Sure, she liked the fact that he did his best to get out of her way, but that amusement faded into normality soon enough. But, the fact that the little fool never crossed anyone that foolishly again, that was what amused her time and again, and made her oddly proud ass well, because she only had to teach him once._

_.._

_There was always something to do in Hogwarts. There was quidditch to play, points to loose, trouble to get into and pranks to preform. It just wasn't always the time to do anything, because something, you could do nothing but stand still and look in the face of the devil itself while waiting for it to devour you whole._

_You could try to run, you could try to hide, but it is futile in the end, because when she wants to, she will catch you._

_"Traitor." She said, nodding curtly. Sirius looked around, trying to find an escape. The library offered none, and Sirius was forced to look up into those terrifying eyes that were capable of anything and nod._

_"If I catch you somewhere near the Slytherin common room ever again, I will flay you, gut you and tell your mother of every little thing you have ever doing wrong in your pathetic life." She said. Her dark hair hung lookse around her pale skin. With her dark eyes, it gave her a sinister look. He quickly cast his eyes down, looking at her feet that were less intimidating._

_"I'm sorry." Sirius stammered. "But I... I really just wanted to see Andr-."_

_She waved her hand. "I don't want to know. I don't care. You can see her somewhere else, if she wants to, what I doubt. I just want to make sure that we're on the same line here." Her tone became more and more threatening while she spoke. Sirius heard himself squeak and cower again. He was such a weakling. He couldn't even look into her eyes for more than five seconds. He remembered laughing at one of his classmates, because he had been too afraid to answer one of the teachers questions and regretted it. There was nothing as awful as being unable to speak because something - some invisible thing someone had wrapped around your neck - was slowly chocking you._

_"You are, and will always somewhat of a worm at my feet, being there for me to stamp on. Just because you are at Hogwarts now, that is not going to change. And don't you take that bloodtraitor with you." She added. "Because he didn't take my warnings into consideration, and I am afraid I won't be so gentle on him next time."_

_Sirius nodded again. It was hard to talk. It was hard to breath. If only his skin didn't burn, reminding him of every little pain she had put him through every time she was near him._

_"I assume there won't be any trouble in the future?" She asked._

_Sirius shook his head._

_"Look at me." She demanded._

_Sirius bit his already throbing toung. It was remembering how it had swollen trice in sise once, when he had sared to touch her royal teddy bear and she had found out._

_He looked up and blurted "I promise." out. The moment the words had passed his lips, he looked down again, staring at his shoes and cursing himself for his cowardly behaviour._

_"I'll keep it in mind." Bellatrix said, turning around and staling off, her robes billowing impressively behind her. How she managed to make her robes look smug was beyond Sirius._

..

Sirius looked up from the picture in his hands when a noise brought him out of his pondering.

A small boy waggled up to him. He had a slight limp in his right foot he hadn't had the last time Sirius had seen him, and he didn't put his full weight on it. His plump little figure didn't help with the waggling either.

"Wormtail." Sirius cried out, dropping the picture on his bed and heading over to his friend. He threw his arm around him. "I was wondering where you were sneaking around nowadays. I thought you could leave the hospital wing three days ago."

"Padfoot." Peter said awkwardly, shifting underneath his arm uncomfortably. "Madame Grizzla kept me longer. How are you doing?"

"Couldn't be better." Sirius said. He threw his head back in his neck and laughed, overflowing happiness corsing through his vains at seeing one of his best friends healthy and well.

Peter shuffled again, refusing to look Sirius in the eye.

"Why are you looking so guilty my dear friend." Sirius asked, scratching his unshaven jaw.

Peter jumped and the guilty look in on his face intensified by ten times. "What are you talking about?" He cried out. "Guilty? me?" An affronted look came over his micy features and he still refused to look Sirius in the eyes. "I'm not guilty, why would you say that? Seeing guilt in others is a sign of feeling guilty yourself, do you know that?" He started to brabble a bit now. He sniffed nervously and rubbed his nose. "If there is something you would like to share with me what is wrong in your little world, and what is on your mind, that's fine, but don't go around and accuse other people of keeping secrets."

He took a long breath, and scowled when he saw Sirius snickering into his hand.

"So, what is on your concious?" Sirius asked.

The air went out of peter and he deflated. "James said to lure you to the" He looked around and lowered his voice, leaning in conspirational. "witching circle." He said.

Sirius frowned. "Why'd you have to lure me there? What's he planning now? another barging in on the girl's prefect bathroom?"

Seriously, why they had called the marauders their base 'the witching circle' was beyond Sirius. It was forbidden to bring girls there, and what they usually did there was drinking and joking and gambling. Not really the things you would do with your typical girl.

Peter's little watery eyes flicked around the room. "Shh..." He whispered, pressing his chubby little hand on Sirius' mouth. "Not so loud."

Dear old peter, always scared they would get caught one day. Sirius blessed him and all his awkward, nervous, jumping self. He was the one that kept him and James from doing the more risky things, because he was too scared to do them.

"Don't worry Peter. No one's going to hear and no one's going to care." He steered Peter to the staircase, leaving the picture on his bed. Forgotten, as it should be.

His fearfull expression on the picture turned into horror once again as Bellatrix rounded on him, he wand drawn, and she dug it into his cheek. The picture of him started shaking and backing away, but there was no window frame for him to escape, and there was no door to walk out of.

"Let's go find out what James got planned for us today." Sirius said cheerfully, slamming the door behind him.

...

"No." Sirius said angrily, storming out of the room. "No, James. I told you, I am not going down there. I refuse."

He tried to slam the door behind him, but James blocked it. He followed Sirius out the door, a scowl on his face. "Why not?" He asked. "I've got this all planned out. No one's going to find out it was us." A playful smile came to his lips. "You know you want to, you big old dog. Think of all the gloating you can do in the holidays."

The holidays, Something he shouldn't have confronted Sirius when he was trying to convince him to go down to the dungeons.  
Sirius slammed his fist into the wall with so much force, he heard his bones crack. "James." He growled, half in pain and half in unlimited anger. "She will know. I am not going down there. She told me not to, and I won't."

James adjusted his glasses and the startled expression on his face faded into disgust. "Really, padfoot? I never knew you were such a pussy. I guess hanging around girls really did rub off on you."

"I never knew you were such an arse!" Sirius shouted back. "I never force you to do anything you don't want to."

James raised his eyebrow. Anger rose up in his eyes as well and he went through his hair angrily, messing up the already unruly mob of hair. "What about that indecent with Moony and Snape? That was out fault?"

Sirius stamped his foot. "How many times are you going to bring that up? I said I was sorry. You said it was fine. It's in the past."

"Well, maybe it isn't." James said childishly.

"No wonder Evans doesn't go for you, you're such a girl. She only goes for real guys." He smirked, not thinking rationally. He only wanted for James to be as pissed off as he was. "No wonder she threw herself at me last Sunday. I guess she was tired of childeren like you, and wanted someone who could measure up on _both_ fronts" He smirked and looked down at James' trousers, raising his eyebrow in suggestion.

James stared at him, then let out an infuriated cry and charged at Sirius. Remus took that time to intervene, stepping between them. "Stop James, Sirius." He shouted in an authoritative voice. "You two are being ridiculous. Why are you being so unreasonable?"

James slammed head first into Remus, and took a step back, dazed. Remus didn't even stumble.

"Get out of the way, Moony." James said, his voice dangerously low.

"Yes, get out of the way, Moony." Sirius hissed, glaring over Remus' shoulder at James.

"No." Remus said. "You two need to calm down and think rationally before you say something you regret. Gor merlin's sake, you two are best friends."

James was pulling at Remus, trying to get him to step aside, but he wouldn't budge. He didn't even winch when James pulled his ears with the full strength of a chaser.

Sirius spat. "Fuck this." he said, turning around. "I don't want this." And he sped off. James and Remus called after him, but he didn't stop walking until he was stopped by a locked door.

He kicked against the door in fury. There wasn't even the satisfaction of making James as furius as he was, because there was something in his anger that wasn't angry at all.

James was angry. Sirius was just scared shitless, and it infuriated him. Infuriated him, and scared him even more, because how could he be this scared, just because someone asked him to go down to the dungeons?

...

"What are you doing here?" Sirius spat when he saw Bellatrix climbing the stairs. She looked taken aback to see him there. "What does it matter to you?" She shot back, glaring. She quickly straitened her clothes and straightened herself, bringing herself up to her full hight.

Funny, he could swear she had never glared at him when they had been younger. She had always thought herself above such low things.

Bellatrix had always thought herself above mundane things, like compassion and emotions and breathing. Bloody stuck up hag.

"Nothing." Sirius said. "I was just wondering which part of the castle I have to evacuate of everything human. I see your out on another soul hunt."

Bellatrix flipped her hair and tried to stare him down with those terrifying, black eyes of her. Her hand was fingering her wand, and Sirius wondered briefly which he found more terrifying, her, or her wand.

Sirius raised his eye to hers and smiled in the face of the devil. "Don't bother." He said. "I am not the same as that scared little first year you terrorised."

"I'm sure he's still in there." She said icily, bowing down and poking him in the chest.

"Wanna bet?" He asked.

"Sirius." She warned. Serius picked himself up and stood up, surpassing her in hight. He raised his chin like she had done so many times and cowered over her.

"He might be there, somewhere." He found himself saying. He had never been able to lie to her. Somethng about her, something about the fire in her black eyes and the darkness fueling it made him always speak the truth. He usually avoided speaking all together, but today he didn't care. Today he found himself speaking without fear to her for the first time in years - maybe for the first time in his life - because the thing he found in her eyes, he understood.

She was scared. Downright terrified. he knew neither why, nor why he cared, but it made her more human. More real.

And now there was surprise, because she also noticed the absent of fear in his voice. Surprise, and inticipation, because now his fear was gone, who knew what he would do?

He didn't.

"But he's not here now." He said. Bellatrix looked at him and opened her mouth to say something. She closed it again.

She sneered when he sent her a questioning look.

"So what are you doing here." He asked again.

"I'm going to the owlery." She said.

Sirius frowned. "Don't you have your slaves to do that for you?" He asked. "I thought walking was too low for you."

She let out a frustrated breath and her hand twitched.

She was just as worked up as he was. She was just better at hiding it.

"What? Too witty for you to answer?" He asked while she took a deep breath.

"Don't talk to me like that, traitor." She sniffed, straightening her back. She tried to stare him down again, tried to regain her composure and gain the upper hand again, but Sirius didn't let her. Instead, he did the one thing that always broke through her cold exterior with the speed of light.

He stepped closed and when he was so close he could smell her ho, he spat.

Her eyes widened ass she touched her cheeks in disbelieve. " Traitor." She whispered. "Did you just..."

She broke off, and slapped him across his cheek. Sirius grinned, clasping his burning cheek and watched her as she became more furious by the second.

"I was wondering if you could stop disrespecting me." Sirius said. "And I thought that was the best way to get your attention."

"I hate you." She whispered and carefully whipped her cheeks clean. "I really do."

Sirius nodded. "I know. " He said, still smirking. Then he realised what must have upset her.

"So, How's Redolphus?" He asked winking at her. Bellatrix slapped his again across the other cheek.

"None of your busyness." She hissed. "None at all."

"Of course it isn't." Sirius said, silently laughing now. "I was just asking.

He loomed over her, and the shadow he cast covered her in darkness, just where she belonged. She shifted and odly, she seemed more comfortable in the dark. "Remember what you did to me when I was younger?" Sirius asked.

Bellatrix nodded, still trying to stare Sirius down. "Don't do that any more." He whispered, tracing her jawline with his wand.

He spun on his heal and walked away from her.

..

Sirius kicked Bellatrix as hard as he could when he saw her, curled up on the floor. Her hair was sprayed around her and she hugged her legs up to her chest as body wrecking sobs were cursing through her. She stopped shaking and looked up. Sirius was taken aback when she looked up. Her pale skin was blotchy and red. She had bloodshot eyes and a runny nose. She looked at him for a few moments in shock, then a tremor ran through her again and she started wailing once again.

She buried her face in her hands.

Sirius took a step back, disorientated at the sight before him. He had never seen anyone cry that was directly related to him, and he had never expected to see anyone do that, but the one person he had never expected to even have tears to shed, was wallowing in misery right now. Right in front of him, to be exact.

Really, she had the most awful timing. Sirius was not ready to deal with the problem of untied shoelaces right then, let stand with her.

He had locked himself up in his dorm for two days, doing nothing but being too stubborn to apologise of James and lying around. He didn't want to talk to James, because James would ask him questions. Quiestions about his family. Questions he had always efficiantly avoided- up until now. Sirius would answer, he knew that, because James was his best friend, and Sirius would never deny his best friend anything. The only way to avoid that, was to avoid James, and avoiding James meant skipping everything, including meals.

And that was why he was heading down to the kitchens right now. His stomach demanded to be fed, and Sirius was almost as big a sucker to his stomach as he was to James.

Why Belletrix was crying her heart out in the middle of one of his short cuts however, was a mistery to him.

His stomach rumbled, and Sirius turned his head to the side awkwardly. He wondered if he should leave, or if that would be rude. Of course, she wouldn't care if he was ruse, he was that ruse little traitor to her, after all. But he did care if he was rude. Or maybe she wanted him to go. He wouldn't want her to see him in that state.

"I'm engaged." Bellatrix chocked out, returning Sirius' attention down to earth. "I'm going to marry Radolphus Lestrange."

Sirius looked around, half expecting to see someone else who she could be talking to, but he saw no one. She was talking to him. She was crying to him.

She wanted him to stay.

But she hated him, and he hated her.

Sirius shook his head, rubbing his temples and awkwardly sat next to her. He wasn't sure what made him do it, but he found himself putting a hesitent arm around her.

She immediately clung to him, sobbing into his chest as if it was the only thing keeping her on earth. Something in Sirius told him to take thing opportunity to hex her. To cause her as much pain - physically and emotionally - as she had all those years ago, because he could now. She was weak and vulnerable and he could.

And yet he couldn't. As he looked down at his most hated cousin, he found some part inside himself that couldn't hate her. Not right now. Not now she was broken enough to cry.

He squeezed her and carefully stroked her hair. He faltered for a moment, surprised at how soft it was. Somehow, he had always amused that the crup of curls would feel as reached as her personality was.

"And you don't want that." He more said than asked. A humourless laugh came from her. "Of course not." She said into his chest. "I hate him."

"You said you loved him. You shouted it all summer." Sirius said.

"I wasn't engaged then." She cried.

He remained silent, just stroking her hair and letting her cry, wondering what the hell he was doing. What the hell was he doing here, stroking Bellatrix' hair?

"I do love him." She sobbed eventually. "He doesn't love me. I don't want to marry someone that doesn't want to marry me."

Sirius thought for a moment, tangling his fingers in her hair. it was funny how easy the conversation was, considering they hadn't exchanged a single friendly word before.

"You could break it off. You could say you're in love with someone else." he offered.

Bellatrix dug her nails into his his chest, but Sirius didn't mind for just this once.

"Can't." She sobbed, the shaking intensified. "They expect it. I always knew I was going to get married, wether I want it or not. It just feels so different now that I actually have to do it."

"Why though? You don't want to. why don't you fall in love like any other girl does?"

Bellatrix looked up and wiped the tears off her cheeks. "It is better to marry than to be aflame with passion." She said. New tears trickled over her cheeks.

Sirius wiped them away. He didn't know why he was trying to sooth her, but something inside him couldn't stand seeing her like this. She was supposed to always be strong dammit. She was strong and nothing could break her, and he was allowed to hate her, because she hated him more.

"Are you sure?" He asked. He slowly took her hands and pulled his shirt out of her grasp. "Because you don't look like you actually believe that."

He stood up, leaving Bellatrix slumped on the floor. "Just think about it, Bella. Do what makes you happy, because I hate you too much to want to see you upset."

And he stalked off to find James, because apparently, without James to keep him sane, he did things like consoling Bellatrix Black, the person he hated most.

...

The little abandoned book store at the end of the street was lit up by a single, lost lantern that cast frightening shadows through the rotten wood and lost books with words yet to be rediscovered. The wind occasionally brushed against the oil driven lantern, shifting the already frightening shadows on the wall, making the monsters and figures they showed move in their hunger for life.

Sirius sat huddled by the lantern, a thin blanket wrapped tightly around him. He looked around, his dark eyes shining in the dancing light of the little flame. His eyes scanned the houses along the street, racking along every detail of the skillful, glumly artwork.

He rubbed his hands together and breathed over them, trying to warm them up.

"I know you're there, Belatrix." He said, not bothering to turn and look at the girl that was sneaking up on him.

The girl sniffed and smoothed her dress down. "What are you doing here, Sirius? Didn't mrs Black forbid you to go outside after the disgrace you put her through last week?"

Sirius sat back against the half decayed wall and smiled pleasantly. "I needed to get out of hell for a few minutes, just to make sure there were other things in life than suffering."

Belatirx walked up to him and hit him across the jaw.

"How dare you speak like that." She hissed, her eyes narrowed. Sirius looked back, a hand over the place where she had hit him, but his smile never wavered.  
"Don't take everything so personal, Bella."

She inhealed sharply at the use of the name. Sirius looked her in the eye and winked. "You did the same when I told James he would surely not be rid of me this summer, because there was only so long I could interact with guindilopes before I would go completely bullocks."

"Sirius." Belatrix said warningly. She reached for her boot. The tip of her wand still stuck out of the thing.  
"I never said I meant you, when I said guindilopes." Sirius said.

He could see the hit coming before she even moved her hand. The fire in her eyes betrayed it, the burning hatred that she harboured against anything that was even slightly descent showed itself a fraction of a second before she raised her hand to strike him.  
Sirius easily deflected the blow and flicked his hair out of his eyes, almost lazily. He stretched, and yawned for good measure.

"Regretted you wanted to scare me?" Sirius asked. Bellatrix turned pink and her dark eyes glared at him.

"I never wanted to scare you in the first place." She stuck her chin in the air and turned around, her robes billowing around her in the wind. The lantern creaked and the shadows moved again. Bellatrix stiffened at the unsuspended noise, all her muscles tensed up, ready for action. Sirius yawned again and threw a little rock - it had probably been part of the wall Sirius was leaning against once - at the house across the street. It broke through a window with a lot of noise.  
Bellatrix jumped, and pulled her wand out, gripping it tightly.

"Little Bellatrix, do you really want to go to my dear old mum." He scoffed at the words as he spoke them. Bellatrix shifted her grip up the wand and pointed it at him. "Of course." She said. "You aren't supposed to be here, and yet you are. Why can't you even follow the simplest orders?"  
Sirius' pleasent smile returned and her put his arms in her neck, leaning back.

"I know one reason why you wouldn't want to tell dear old mum." Sirius said looking up at the heaven, filled to the brim with stars.

"Why would that be?" Bellatrix asked, her eyes flashing again. Fear crept into her voice as she looked into his joy filled eyes.

Sirius took her wand from her limp fingers and pocketed it. "Because if you do, I know something that would destroy your life forever. Or do you think dear old Redolphus would still want to marry you after I tell him?"

Her eyes were the ones that darted around how, fearing someone was nearby and overheard, fearing for her secret to some out."

"But my beloved cousin." Sirius said, pushing his hand through his hair. "He will, because I have more than enough evidence." He chuckled and winked. "It's not your only slip up I know about either."

The pure look of horror on her face was the memory that helped him get through the rest of the vacation.


End file.
